The Horrible, BEAUTIFUL, Awfulness of Marriage

...I have a friend, whom shall remain namless (she knows who she is) ;-) who gave me what still to this day, rings true as the best theology of marriage I have ever heard. I had the honor of being IN said-friends wedding.  She is the type of vibrant soul who, were she to be a color?  She'd be a gorgeous bright yellow, like the sun!  If she were a flower?  For sure, she'd be a wildflower!  And were the devil himself to show up at her front door?  She'd likely open the door, beaming from ear-to-ear and say "Oh hi there!  want to come in for some coffee?  I have some things to say to you!"  ;-)  

I will never forget the first time I went out to visit this friend, post-her getting married.  It was almost exactly at her one year anniversary mark.   And whence we got together  we sat down over coffee to talk.  Of course, my first question was, "So?  How's married life treating you?"  Much to my surprise, my vibrant yellow, wildflower friend, teared up and got very quiet.  She looked earnestly into my eyes, and said the words I will never forget:  she said, "Marriage, is a horrible... beautiful... awful thing....but I wouldn't trade it for the world."  Oddly, with three years experience under my belt at that point, I was the "elder" and supposedly "wiser" of the two of us as we shared.  What struck me though, is how "right on" she was with her assessment of marriage after having experienced her own first year. 

Truth is, I couldn't have said it better myself!

Anyone who is married and tells you that it is all wonderful all of the time, is either lieing outrightly, or plainly and simply not dealing with issues - not allowing themselves to be challenged, changed and grown through the refinement process of being married!

Anyone who tells you that marriage is completely awful all of the time, is... well, either lieing outrightly or plainly and simply not dealing with issues - not allowing themselves to be challenged, changed and grown through the refinement process of being married!

The thing is, the beauty of marriage is intimately intertwined with its horrible awfulness. 

Divorce rates continue to climb the world over because people give up.  They cannot handle the "awfulness".  Its too painful.  It is too difficult, at times even within Christian marriages, to be humble.  The world we live in tells us that humility equates to letting yourself get "walked all over" and "stepped on" then proceeds to commend you to "assert yourself" and "stand up for your rights".  Truly, we live in an upsidedown kingdom here on this earth.  The entire spirit of marriage is that "two become one"... how then, could there possibly be any "rights" to "stand up for" or "assert" that would not mutually benefit both hearts involved?

Jim and I have a little quip we like to use when the going gets... "awful" around our house:  "Remember, we are on the same team".  I think this simple little thing gets so overlooked.  People begin go act and interact as if they are on opposing teams with the goal of "winning" in mind.  However, there can be no "winning" in marriage unless there is true, complete, and whole reconcilliation.  And the only way to reconcile in a true, complete and whole way, is to invite the cross of Jesus between you and your spouse.  If this is not happening, I would venture to say "the two have remained two" and have not fully become one. 

So to all of my single friends out there who think they are on some journey to find their mate who will somehow "complete them" (Thank You Jerry McGuire, for that false hope!) I mean not to dash your hopes completely, just to let you in on a little secret:  loving another human on this side of eternity is more a vocation than a feeling or anything close to a completion of who you are.  In loving - CHRIST CENTERED LOVING - yes, you are made MORE complete.  But it is not easy.  Sometimes its not even fun.  Sometimes you want to pack your bags and run for the hills.  But the rewards of loving even when it is ugly and hard to do so, FAR outweigh the cost involved in walking away. 

And to all of my friends who ARE married - fear not the awfulness you experience from time-to-time.  Call it into the light.  Bring it before the cross. See it for what it is.  Allow it to reveal hidden treasures and beauty that you would otherwise miss if you called it quits and ran to hide.

Our God constantly gives beauty for ashes, and any marriage I know that is worthy of praise, has had had its fair share of both.  Infact, one might go so far as to say that you cannot have one without the other. For how can one know what light is if they have not ever experienced the dark?    

So here's to the "Horrible, beautiful, awfulness" of marriage.  I wouldn't trade it for a thing....  (Thanks Mjoy, for setting my heart straight and reminding me that experience alone does not make one wiser than another!)